It’s been difficult to talk books lately, though they continue to do an incredible job in helping me retain my sense of sanity and balance; but life keeps throwing out unexpected challenges and this one time I am just exhausted. Exhausted to do what seems normal, when nothing, not one element in my life is normal. I do love life and want to live it every minute, but I do want to ask the Universe, why am I denied a boring albeit peaceful life. For those seeking excitement and action, tired of their everyday jobs and other social responsibility, know that there are others who who would trade that simple everyday life in a heartbeat. Why is boring a bad thing? It is a worthy existence and much better that the constant curve balls that comes your way. Maybe boring is what we all need to aspire for instead of wealth and adventure. There is such joy in everyday routine; in the small tasks that bring comfort and add to the overall well being of our existence.
But boring is one adjective that I am denied, since I was 13. If there is a problem, life will make sure it hits me in the face and in case I still refuse to see, rub my face on it, till, I get the point. For instance, back in late August, I was set for a wonderful vacation with my sister and cousin to the southern most state of India, Kerala, a magical land of culture, beach, mountain , wildlife, all together. This was a my first full length vacation since my diagnosis last year and the north star of my life for the last few months. Physically I was feeling much better than I had in months ( re – my last post ), the chemotherapy side effects were finally in control and I was leading as a normal life as possible.
I went for my routine follow up that happens every three months with my oncologist. My blood tests were all clean and as a standard medical protocol, she advised an MRI. I went for the MRI but something kept bothering me – the what if scenario. I tried dismissing them, believing that my mind always sought out the worst, after years of trauma. But there may be science to such things like “gut instinct” etc, because turns out they were correct. In subsequent tests that followed, it was discovered that my endometrial cancer has metastasized (spread) and I have lesions in my lungs and lymph nodes. The cancer is back ( or maybe it never gone away, just hid somewhere until the chemotherapy stopped ) in less than 7 months after I finished my treatment. My second round of chemotherapy started as of September 30th and this time we really do not know much; how many rounds, how long and if it needs to be combined with such advanced medicine like immunotherapy. It’s living from one session to another, dependent on test results, that may or may not say something.
This second round of battle is making me very unwell. Far more than I was the first time, as the dosage is stronger and also my immunity is already compromised from the first session that ended last year. I am tired of the never ending triage of doctors, tests and medicines. And I want nothing more than a boring life where I do my work, read some books , write about them and go traveling every now and then. I have no ambitions of conquering the Corporate world or finding the one true love of my or being “inspiring” . I just want to be left alone to lead a simple life, but there I guess I ask too much and am being totally brazen in my greed !
However I am determined to grasp whatever I can get of my life. After my biopsy, I did take the vacation with my sister and cousin. And now prepare for another beach holiday in November. I will continue reading as much as I can and am planning to enroll for a second masters next year. I will continue raising awareness about Cancer in a society that pretends that this illness does not exist (see https://www.instagram.com/candidcancerconversation/ ). And in my own small sphere try and be as “boring” as possible, finding joy in everyday routines and tasks that enrich life – the smell of woodfire as the autumn turns to spring, a well cooked meal ( very important as most things taste like mud to me these days ) buying new books, an afternoon spent chatting with an old friend, 18000 kms away about everything and nothing and just breathing, one moment in time.
Sharing some pictures from the Kerala Vacation. It’s gorgeous country with nature and history and I am so glad I did this journey, cancer or no cancer.
Mockingbirds, Looking Glasses & Prejudices... 
Dear J
Sometimes life just sucks doesn’t it? I was so pleased to see this post – your insta posts are always so positive and hopeful – I was worried you weren’t letting it all get to you sometimes. It’s so important to vent and let out the negative, painful stuff too, cause sometimes life sucks!
I wish I could make everything plain and boring for you, but you do better than that my friend. You find the joy in the small things every single day. A chapter of a book, a flower, time with your family & friends, a happy memory, celebrating the colour and light of Diwali, a poem, a smile.
Your smile lights up every photo you are in – the last photo in your carousel is exactly how I picture you – radiating joy, shining with the goodness of life. It’s something you do naturally, even when times are bad.
I wish you a good day tomorrow. I wish you a good night’s sleep. I wish you a great book to read. I wish you the victory of light over darkness. I wish you colour, flowers and well-cooked food. I send you love and well-wishes and positive energy.
Take care my friend, you are in my thoughts every day.
Bron xoxo
Brona, my friend, this note from you made everything so much better! I try to be happy most of the times, but sometimes it does get too much! But you remind me wonderfully of things that are of true value and those things I have in my life . And to add to all of those things, I have friends like you and this tribe here, and I know I am blessed! Thank You for always being around and enriching my life!
I’m so sorry to read this, but I’m glad you’re still managing to find happiness in everyday life and have some nice things to look forward to. I hope life becomes more ‘boring’ again soon! Take care x
Thank You Helen for your wishes! Yes , I am grateful for the everyday joys and they make the heavy hours easier! Hopefully my boring should be back soon!
So sorry to hear the news, and hope you keep on winning your fight – I shall be rooting for you and cheering on the medics who are supporting you. Hopefully things will be back to being dull and ordinary soon, and you’re definitely right to get the most out of every day – something we should all do! x
Thank You so much Karen! This tribe makes my life so much better. I really hope things get a bit dull around here …lol
In spite of everything you still have a radiant smile. I am so very sorry, it’s really effed up. I hope your beautiful vacation filled up your wells of strength and fortitude for the hard times ahead. I wish you all the best, and I hope that one day you get that boring life. Hugs, hugs, hugs!
Thank You Stefanie! The travels do go a long way in soothing away the cricks that life has designed for me! Hugs back!
I sent you an email. Love you! ❤️ Stay strong!
Replied 🙂
Your photos (and you!!) are lovely. I am so inspired to see you continuing with everything you are passionate about. ❤ At the same time, I was really saddened to hear this news. You will be in my prayers for healing. I know what you mean about wanting a boring life – not that I've had to face this kind of challenge, but it does seem like life gets turbulent when we are most desiring of peace. Sending virtual hugs!
Thank You Marian! I am trying to do the best I can , some days I succeed, some days I fail. It’s work in progress 🙂 Life is funny that way, giving us challenges, when all we want to do is spend our lives quietly and peacefully! But we will get there, sooner than later 🙂
I’m so sorry that you have to face this battle again… Sending good vibes your way!!
Thank You! 🙂
You give so much. This post to me was such a reality check, and it gave me so much perspective. I will join the many friends I see here in the comments and say that it’s such a treat to see your smile, to hear your resilience and optimism. Hugs from me to you.
Thank You so much for your kind thoughts!! Hugs back!!